Written by Heather Hans Published by YourTango on January 11, 2018
What you believe you receive.
When it comes to finding the love of your life, it’s best to stay out of your own way and not overthink the future when the path will naturally unfold as you walk it.
However, here are some self-sabotaging thoughts you may have that get in the way when you're trying to find love (and some tips for unraveling them):
1. "I’m too busy."
You’re busy, you’ve always been busy, you’ll always be busy. It may seem that you are busier now than you were in the past, but that’s only because your capacity has grown, so you can handle more tasks.
What seemed busy to you ten years ago felt just as demanding then as your current life does now, because of where you were in your development. It’s unlikely that you will ever be less busy, so the question is, do you want to experience the love of your life in this lifetime or not?
If "yes", you must trust that you are capable of growing and making the necessary adjustments to your time and energy once it comes.
2. "Once I have myself more 'together', then I’ll find the love of my life."
Feeling as though you are not enough just the way you are is a trap that will keep you stuck forever. The entire life cycle is about growth and development.
Yes, you get yourself more "together" throughout your life as you grow your confidence and find your place in the world, but the danger of thinking you have to be at a higher level than you are right now is that there’s always a higher level.
You will forever fall short of where you want to be because where you want to be will always be in the future.h Once you get there, you want to be at an even higher level. Therefore, finding the love of your life will forever be postponed until the future.
3. "I’m too complex. Relationships are too complex."
Humans and relationships are indeed incredibly complex. Scholars say the human brain is the most complex thing in our world. All of life is complex, but if complexity were a reason for something being impossible, then there would be no life, no human brain, no galaxy, no internet; the list goes on.
To believe that everything complex can exist in the world except for you finding the love of your life is both irrational and illogical.
4. "No one will be able to grow with me."
You may have had relationships end because you did not grow together, but that does not mean you are doomed to repeat that scenario. Outgrowing a relationship is normal and even healthy a lot of times, but many relationships do grow together.
Are there friends or family members you’ve grown with over time? The same thing can and will happen with the love of your life.
Also, a fatalistic attitude is immature. Children and people with mental impairment think in black and white terms because they are not fully developed If you find yourself viewing things as black and white, you could be stuck at a younger developmental stage, seeing your possibilities as much smaller than they actually are.
5. "I’m too much of an individual."
By definition, a relationship contains two individuals. Two people united as one unit have no relationship. The same can be said about the relationship with ourselves. We relate to ourselves using our egos, our consciousness, which is separate from our being. Otherwise, we would not be able to have a relationship with ourselves.
You are supposed to be an individual in a relationship. The love of your life is supposed to be an individual in the relationship. Two separate beings that look, act, think, and feel differently are what make a relationship rich, complementary, and desirable.
6. "Everyone will let me down."
It’s true. Everyone will let you down. Just like you let people down. But you will not stay down for long with the love of your life. Your love and appreciation for each other will inspire you to heal and create joy once again.
7. "People are selfish."
A great portion of the human population is selfish. But the seven and a half billion people of the world are not a homogeneous group. There are all types of people in the world, including those who are empathetic, thoughtful, considerate, and giving towards others.
Saying all people are selfish is no different than having a prejudice towards an entire race or gender. You cannot draw that conclusion until you have met all seven and a half million of them, which you never will because you will find the love of your life well before then!
8. "I’d have to settle."
You don’t feel like you’re settling when you’re with the love of your life. There is simply no reason to settle in such an abundant universe. Those who settle are those who have given up on themselves.
And those who believe they would have to settle because all of the options are sub-par have given up on life.
9. "There are no relationships that I admire."
Many relationships are not deeply satisfying. You may look around and believe that the love of your life doesn't exist because not many, if any, couples you’ve known have the kind of relationship that you desire. Don’t judge what’s possible for you by others’ standards. Many people do not practice the patience and endurance necessary to find their true love.
Also, a relationship doesn't change your state, so if you are a generally unsatisfied person, you will have a generally unsatisfying relationship. Focus on fulfilling yourself, loving life, and trusting that there is someone else doing the same and that you two will unite because you are vibrating at the same level.
10. "I don’t want a traditional marriage."
Marriage is one of many options under the relationship umbrella. It has to do with legal implications, religion, tradition, societal norms, and many other factors. It is by no means a requirement for love and a lasting relationship.
The goal of finding the love of your life is to increase the love in your personal life and the world at large. Nothing in that endeavor requires marriage. Your life is your own original creation. Do as you please!
11. "The perfect mate is a fantasy."
Albert Einstein, one of the most brilliant minds of our time, said, "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions." Everything you see in this world was once a fantasy in someone’s imagination.
12. "I would have to give up too much of myself."
One of the things that make someone the love of your life is that they love who you are. They don’t want to change you, suppress you, or control you. If they do, then they are not the love of your life.
Instead, they want you to be the full expression of yourself.
13. "It’s for other people, not me."
This self-sabotaging thought is one of the most common ones, regardless of the goal. People look at others who have what they want and believe that others are favored. This belief causes you to feel powerless, and when you feel powerless, you cease to put in your full effort.
Finding the love of your life is not for you only if you say it’s not for you. You are the author of your life. Write it the way you would like it to be.
14. "I’ll be elderly by the time I find the right one."
A classic example of you getting in your own way is projecting into the future a disappointing scenario. A quick way to determine what’s true for you is to ask yourself what makes you feel heavy and what makes you feel light.
Does meeting someone when you’re elderly make you feel heavy? If so, it’s not true for you and is instead, a negative, self-sabotaging belief.
15. "My relationship patterns and history prevent me from making good choices."
Your formative years play a large role in your relationship patterns. However, neuroscientists have found that the brain is "elastic", meaning that it constantly grows, changes, and develops new patterns. Most often, change does not occur drastically, but incrementally, until it reaches a tipping point. Once this tipping point is achieved, your world shifts in a big way.
Maybe your first unhappy relationship lasted three years, your second unhappy relationship lasted two years, the next lasted one year, then six months, then one month, until you no longer allow anyone into your life unless and until they are your true love.
People generally don’t go from a horrid relationship right into an exceptional one. They instead learn and grow over the course of several relationships until one day they finally find the right one (unless they settle before then).
16. "It’s my fate not to meet the love of my life."
Very little of your life is fate. Most of it is destiny, and destiny is created by you; your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, and most importantly, your beliefs.
17. "I don’t deserve it."
Rather than a self-sabotaging thought, believing you don’t deserve love is an emotional consequence of oppression. Emotions are not always trustworthy, especially if they are triggered by oppressive forces that have had a hand in your life.
The fact is that there is no one more deserving than you. You need to hammer this fact into your subconscious until you believe it.
18. "I’ll never have it."
The bottom line is that your life circumstances are largely created by your own beliefs. If you keep building a case for all the reasons you cannot find the love of your life, you will succeed at making it true.
Would you rather be right about never meeting the love of your life or would you rather change your incorrect mindset?
Heather Hans, LCSW, MBA is a Public Speaker, Psychotherapist, Intuitive Coach, Law of Attraction Practitioner, Holistic Healer, and author of The Heart of Self-Love. To inquire about booking Heather to speak at your event, visit her website.
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