Heather Hans

We've all heard that saying, opposites attract. There have been songs written about. What does it mean, and why do we attract our opposites?

Attraction to our opposites is a psychological projection when we...disown a part of ourselves...or...don't allow part of ourselves to be expressed.

Usually, an unconscious process. We don’t know we’re doing it, but when there is something in ourselves that we either feel is unacceptable or that we don’t acknowledge, we find ourselves attracted to someone who embodies these qualities. This can happen in romantic a relationship or a friendship. It can happen in any kind of relationship. What happens is, we find those qualities in another person, we bring them to us, and usually they’re attracted to our opposite qualities, and we unite.

What first happens is it feels like bliss. Finally we’re complete! We have our opposite, those other parts of us that we didn't feel before, and then slowly but surely the masks come off, as they do in all relationships, and we begin to see that what we've attracted is something in ourselves that we're missing. Something that we need to become whole.  But...

James-DeanWe cannot ever become whole by trying to get our wholeness from someone else. So, the story goes something like this...

Years ago, I found myself in a relationship with a guy who was a cigarette smokin’, beer drinkin', heavy metal music playin', foul mouthed, crusty old scrooge. Meanwhile, I was running marathons, going to graduate school to expand my mind, putting all of this care and attention into my body, and my friends and family were saying, “What on earth is she doing with him?” Here’s what I was doing with him. I had some anger going on inside of me, at the time. Also, I was in this mode where I felt like I constantly had to achieve. I had to be good, the good girl, the best girl. I had to work hard. I had to prove myself. I couldn't just kick it and relax. So I sought that out in someone who kicked it all the time. He was always chilling out. He had no ambition. I didn't feel like my anger was appropriate or acceptable. I always had to be, proper, polite, nice, sweet, and so I dated a guy who was foul mouthed and crusty, so he could get that out for me. When I began to own these aspects, in myself, I became free. The masks wore off, I became whole, and this dude was no longer attractive to me.

School GirlOpposites attract because we are seeking wholeness in ourselves. Use those experiences to see what you are not claiming, what you need to own in yourself, how can you accept in yourself or give to yourself what you are trying to give to another person. It is then that you will attract someone else who is whole.

So, the next time you see yourself in a relationship with your opposite, ask yourself, "What is it about them that I either have or wish that I had, and how can I embody that in myself."


Heather Hans is a mystical healer using loving energy to facilitate healing for the heart, mind, body and soul.  Heather can personally guide you in your journey of growth and healing through her new book The Heart of Self-Love: How to Radiate with Confidence available through AmazonBarnes&Noble, and booksellers world-wide.  Get your copy today!